As a stripper, there’s nothing better than those elusive words “can I take you for an hour dance please?” (which happens about once per career – we work for those VIP dances), closely followed, of course, by “£500? Not a problem! Would you prefer cash or card? Can I tip you?”…rare. But oh so worth the wait!
FAR more commonly, I can be found scouring the club for customers and hearing the same lines over and over, which naturally combined with alcohol-induced-slurred-speech which is directed-unsubtly-at-my-breasts, are nothing short of HILARIOUS. Good one, mate.
So, what are the 5 most popular comments to make us choke on our G&Ts?
1. “I can dance for you. How about that?”
Usually murmured by some overfed, boozed-up dad-bod in a jean jacket, this is possibly the most common and definitely the most annoying. This offer should be banned – like the use of phones and peeing in the sinks.
We will smile and endure your little joke but inside we want to tell you where you can shove your dance.
Often accompanied by the use of some sort of pole-shaped-object, upon which they attempt to grind until their jeans fall down.
Are you picturing double-denim? You should be.
2. “Is it just a dance? Or can I have a little touch?”
Firstly, fuck you.
Secondly, fuck you…and thirdly: FUCK YOU.
“No touching, licking, biting or propositioning”. 3rd booth on the right: “sit on your hands, legs apart” – the biggest booth with the dimmest light.
3. “Do your parents know that you do this? What do they think?”
My answer to this is always the same: “I’m not ashamed of what I do, everyone in my life knows that I am a sex worker – that way, it can never be used against me.”
BUT MORE TO THE POINT; what a rude question! Why do you automatically assume that I’m embarrassed by my work? Why can’t I be successful and strong and independent and take my clothes off for a living?
If your “feminism” isn’t sex worker inclusive, it’s not god damn feminism.
Now, read that again.
4. “If I was a woman, do you think I could do this?”
No. Because even if you were a woman, you’d still be a 4. Or maybe you could – and maybe you’d be amazing at it – but what would you like my response to this to be?
Because I really can’t think of a single appropriate answer.
“Yes dude, I can tell if you had been born a female, you would have the confidence and patience to talk to – and dance naked for – men just like yourself on the nightly”.
It’s insane how physically, mentally and emotionally draining stripping can be: some customers use strip clubs as a means to vent and will only buy a dance so that they can talk about their feelings with a stranger. This sounds like a lot of negativity – and it can be a real mood dampener, I won’t lie – but it does teach you about people and love and intimacy and loss and courage. Could we do without it? Probably. But when the opportunity presents itself to help someone, what kind of stripper would I be if I said no?
This post in no way aims to offend the VIP-criers, but it’s already pretty obvious why the old “I agree with you being a stripper” feels a little bit too permitting and enabling for my liking. I’m glad you agree but it really wouldn’t have any effect on my life if that wasn’t the way the wind was blowing. I’m just saying.
Besides, it’s offensive to even float the idea that all you need to be a stripper is a vagina.
Read about the real problem with strip clubs in “The Modern Sex Work Dilemma“!
5. “Can you do me a deal?”
Put simply: no. And even if I could – still no.
The club stipulates the prices and the dancers don’t get a say. The majority of clubs in the UK have a £20 full nude, 3-minute dance as the savviest option available.
It goes without saying, money is subjective and £20 is a different relative amount to each and every customer. And if you can’t afford a dance? Fine! Just be honest! Stop trying your pin number over and over, stop pretending to call your bank and stop wasting my precious 16 peak hours of work per week (Friday and Saturday nights in most locations).
It’s also worth bearing in mind, that when a customer purchases a £20 dance, the dancer can receive as (legally) little as £11, which, yes, is a lot for 3 minutes work – but she bought the £60 outfit and the £50 makeup pallette and paid the £40 house fee to earn that £11 and after all, she is getting naked.
So why not take a break from trying to convince us to lower our value of ourself based on your god-like presence?
How dare I ask for the appropriate cost of the service I provide? With a vagina? The cheek of it.
I even once had a customer say that another girl should be more expensive than me; it’s a good job my stripper balls are bigger than his. “Have a pleasant evening, dipshit.”