Sex Work: The Ropes

BDSM and 4 Ways to Channel your Inner Dominatrix

5 ways to channel your inner dominatrix

Deep inside each and every one of us, there is a beautiful beast with a paddle and a stockpile of reasons to get some retribution. Learn how to tame her so that you can let her out to play…

Before we begin, a quick note: all BDSM and bedroom play should always be consensual and respectful. Any information given here is under the assumption that you play responsibly and respectfully.

.: What is BDSM? :.

I don’t know who thought up the acronym ‘BDSM’ – but I love it! It stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission and Sadism and Masochism. It encompasses a huge number of sexual practices and most bedroom games have an element of BDSM somewhere in them.

BDSM is largely based around control. In society, people have control over their own actions and speech – which means they can be held responsible – or accountable, for what they do. This is the very basis of our society and it couldn’t function any other way.

So when we enter a world of BDSM, we look to escape this societal prison by either exercising control over yourself and another human being (as the dominant) or, if you are playing the submissive role, to feel completely controlled and vulnerable.

I like to think of BDSM as the rawest versions of our fantasies – behind the sexy lingerie and the princess Leia space buns, all we want is to push the boundaries of control. The intimacy of the exchange makes us feel close, connected and helps us to bond.

Behind the scenes during playtime your body works hard to maintain homeostasis as your heart rate climbs, blood pressure spikes, adrenaline surges through the body, oxytocin and dopamine flood your veins and neurons fire rapidly in the brain.

This chaotic inner climate is what makes BDSM so exciting and immersive. But the secondary effects, such as the emotional journey of a play session, can be overwhelming if you aren’t prepared for them.

Ensure that you always have an agreed safe word. You should also discuss your limits beforehand.

Your safe word should be something random you would never say during sex, the option to yell “pineapple” if you need a minute, is what makes each crack of the whip worthwhile.

Dominatrix and her client

.: What is a Dominatrix? :.

Millions of women have begun professionally and profitably dominating their clients, sexually and otherwise – myself included!

The physical act of what the submissive is asked to do by their dominant play partner is less “important” than how this speaks to the mind’s unconscious desires.

As an example of this, we can use bondage. We, consciously and, thanks to evolution, know that being restrained is a vulnerable and potentially dangerous scenario to be in. But flip your perspective and the mind sees the time spent in restraints as time free from accountability and pressure.

.: What Has My Experience as a Dominatrix Been Like? :.

My experience has led me down many different BDSM pathways and has taught me to satisfy and be satisfied in a whole new way.

Unexpectedly at first, dominating clients felt very cathartic. To this day, it never ceases to amaze me how much of a privilege it is to be let so far into a stranger’s subconscious.

It’s like playing with fire. And it’s refreshing as hell.

“The first time I dommed I was 16 years old, playing with my boyfriend at the time. We didn’t really know what we were doing but I remember that spark that it lit inside me: I felt strong and invincible. From what I remember, we only did some light bondage, edging and verbal roleplaying but it was definitely the start of my career in sex work.”

So, how can you uncage your inner BDSM goddess but still keep her on the leash?

Here are 4 Ways to Channel Your Inner Dominatrix

How to find your inner dominatrix

“Being a good dominatrix relies on your clientele’s opinion of you. They are not allowed to look at me, touch me or speak to me uninvitedly. If you run a tight ship, when your submissive does step out of line, you get to have fun punishing them in a way you know they love and need!”

The Look:

An integral part of any role play is the costume. Look the part, feel the part.

A quick Pinterest search will give you all the domspiration you need to select suitable outfit choices. But remember, this is a very customizable element of BDSM so I’d advise you to take your time trying different materials, styles and colours.

Cosmetic choices, hairstyles and accessories can all play into the dominatrix look, too.

If you’re struggling to land on a look, try doing some research into fetishism and widening your kink knowledge in our Fascination section – and don’t panic! – this is simply to help you get into character! Your hairstyle will NOT make or break your dom session!

Perhaps you or your sub have more specific fetishes you’d like to try that are based on BDSM? Being in a character role can help with the theme, dialogue and natural progression of the play session.

If you’re a BDSM newbie and are feeling a bit overwhelmed, try a top-notch slicked-back bun or ponytail with a simple red lip, black lingerie and some high heels. You can’t go wrong.

And from here you can make it your own.

“Not only do I think that latex looks stunning on everyone, but it is also my favourite material to dominate in because of the way it makes me feel! It’s tight, flattering, restrictive and when properly shined, has an irresistible texture. Myself and my clients absolutely LOVE latex!”

Props and Toys:

If you’re new to the toy department: WELCOME. Pull up a chair, grab a vibrator and have sweet O’s all day long.

Toys and props are the holy grail of any play session and to not use them now, would be like not salting my chips.

However, if you have recently discovered the enormous UK toy market it can be difficult to choose the best options for you. As with anything else, you need to trial products to see which suit you best.

When it comes to dominatrix props, anything that has the potential to inflict low-level pain and pleasure will excite your submissive as punishment and reward are at the epicentre of behavioural submission.

Popularly used by dominatrixes are whips, ropes, paddles, floggers and even violet wands.

We reccomend beginning your play with safer toys and working your way up to more potentially dangerous props.

The Atmosphere:

The atmosphere sets the scene. The lighting, temperature, aromas and sounds of the space have the power to heavily influence your play. This can be an opportunity to introduce themed and role play but should be pre-planned for the best results.

Whether you prefer to play in a cold, bright white space with concrete floors and an echo or in a candlelit rose-petal hotel suite with 90’s R&B on – is down to you. But it’s definitely worth considering what you will need to fulfil the sensory demands of play, beforehand.

“My biggest tip would be to plan a play session with your partner and to ensure that you talk actively about it when it’s finished. We want to stay away from surprises with BDSM and to do this, the conversation must be continual. Blocking out some time to talk about the experience only improves it – after you comfort your partner through sub-drop of course – don’t expect them to be fully functionally for 10 minutes or so.”

“Sub-drop” is the result of cessation of the chemicals released during the excitement of play. Whilst sub-drops can vary according to a person’s biology and the details of the session, it is popularly reported as highly emotional with a sense of loss. Put simply, “sub-drop” describes withdrawal symptoms – from play! Although unpleasant, sub-drop quickly passes if you can support each other, maintain connection and are fully relaxed.

The Mindset:

BDSM is not for the sexually-faint-hearted and requires a level of maturity and emotional understanding to make it enjoyable. Anyone delving into BDSM should explore what it means to them, follow their instincts and have fun with it. With caution.

BDSM can look very similar when it’s revolved around punishment and pseudo-torture as when it is around love and adoration. Of course, the power shifts are what give this practice its substance, but you really can apply this to any scenario and make an evening of it.

The mindset of the dominant is the opposite of that of the submissive. As a result, we get this tipping point on the seesaw of control and vulnerability. Which is when wonderful things happen!

To achieve this, we have to prepare and control our mindset strictly and with intent. A dominatrix is an image of superiority, in some cases arrogance, and an overall demeanour of authority.

But even taking home the ‘Best Dressed” award won’t tip your submissive over the edge, for this, we have to use our words.

Here’s where most people give up.

“I have to tell him I’m going to beat him?” or “ask him to wet himself?!”

Woah, hun. Take a seat. Not every BDSM practice appeals to everyone.

Communication is the key here: ask your partner what they would like.

The only ingredient in great BDSM play is open and honest communication: the stronger your ability to make your desires known, the more enjoyable your sessions will be.

Whilst you should be completely comfortable denying a kink request, please be kind whilst doing so.

How to Try Domming at Home

If you and your partner are considering indulging in a little after dark fun but aren’t sure where to start? Set the scene, be confident and learn about what each of you likes honestly and unselfishly!

“I think that accepting your own selfish desires is what makes you a good dom. Not just because that’s precisely what makes them squirm, but also because the orders I give to my slaves are always completely authentic and genuinely what I am craving – whether that be a cup of tea, a foot rub or a 3-hour long play session. They do it because I want them to, not because I tell them to! They want to please you – so ask yourself what they can do to make you happy?”


About Author

Strip club drama and bananas-up-butt-holes. Fill your thigh-highs with the inside stories and everyday musings of a sex-positive, misconception stomping, feminist sex worker.

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