We’ve all heard of the ol’ make ’em wait! “Make them fall in love and then open your legs” – blah blah blah. Let’s talk about this ridiculousness!
Let’s start this post like any blogger who cares about their readers and say that: babes, whenever you choose to have sex, it should always be your choice. And whatever stage of dating you’re in – also cool. Okay? Fab!
I’m just here to tell you that if you want it, go get it! Because today we’re talking about “Slut Guilt”.
“Slut guilt” does exactly what it says on the tin. That feeling when you call a close friend to discuss all the sexy details from the night before, but there’s an evident tinge of judgement in their voice. What is that? Disbelief? Disappointment?
Nope. Jealousy. Probably.
But as you hang up a call like this, that guilt doesn’t disperse quickly and you’re left questioning your actions.
As someone who faces their fair share of judgment around their sex life, I’d like to offer you a community where you can talk about it – leave your best one-night-stand-stories in the comments! Own your sexuality!
Slut guilt has a dark past though: throughout the ages, women have seen harsher punishments than their male equals for sexual “crimes” like sex-before-marriage.
For example, in Ancient Israel women had to be virgins before being sold to their husbands to ensure procreation. If a woman’s husband accused her of not being a virgin at the ceremony, she would be examined. By a man.
If she was lying, she would be stoned to death.
If he was lying, he would pay a fine and marry the woman he just tried to kill.
. : Why Does Modern Society Tell Us To Wait? : .
We all know someone who swears by the cookie jar/90 day/5 dates rule; whatever you call it and however long you wait, they all use the same tricks.
They claim to “stop him getting bored before he even gets to know you”
But by creating ways to deal with the (apparent) primal male instinct to fuck off immediately after ejaculating, we give it permission to exist.
Are we not more evolved than this? We need to stop putting up with so much crap.
If they want to leave, let them. Just do it respectfully, dude.
Also, if you’re looking for your forever-partner, what difference is 5 measly dates going to make? Just saying.
They claim to “make it more special when it does happen”
This is laughable. Consensual sex is fun and cathartic and healthy and joyful – regardless of when it happens.
Giving yourself any sort of schedule to work with when it comes to sex, probably isn’t a good idea. If it’s really the chemistry you’re after, this will take care of itself.
They claim “it’s more valuable if you don’t do it often”
This is bullshit.
So I shouldn’t masturbate because the rare orgasms I do have will be better? Ha! Good luck with that.
Of course, tolerance and desensitization play a role in sexual pleasure, but we shouldn’t fear the loss of enjoyment as we journey deeper into our sexuality.
Also, it’s never okay for someone to correlate your value with how much sex you have.
I’m not someone to postpone sex. If the opportunity is there and everyone is keen, I will happily partake. Why? Because I can!
I use sex as a filter to see who I am actually attracted to. Why? Because if the person treats me exactly the same after we have sex, that means that our interactions have been genuine, not semen-ly motivated.
In other words, if someone who I’ve just had a good time in bed with, still gives me the nice end of the bath or fills my wine glass without me asking – they didn’t hold the door at the restaurant for the sole purpose of getting into my knickers.
That’s what gets me going.
And if this person fails this test? Well it’s a good thing I only wasted one date on you, isn’t it?!
We need to stop this culture of tricking one another into bed and into relationships – if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Read more about feeling ownership over and responsibility for a partner in How I block out Jealousy and Why You Should Too.
Sex doesn’t need rules, it needs limits.